Posted by Kgurl1177 on 2015/06/02 under Uncategorized Writing to you, writing about this, writing in general…does it help? Am I wasting my time? Of course, that has an opinionated answer, a different one for everyone.
I just feel lonely, deserted, even with all my loved ones around, friends who enjoy my company. Such a typically human thing to do. If it’s not you , it’s them. If it’s not them, it’s you. I truly hate myself for always being so hard on myself, for beating myself up, every hour of the day, for things that happened when I was in grade FOUR! Self-destruction…I can’t shut it off, the voices that fight, one telling me what happened in the past stays in the past. Accept and move on. Then there’s the other voice that tells me how stupid I was and how worthless it makes me. And they’re not even my voices. They just ramble, as if there really are two (or one) different people in my head. I don’t know how to block them out. Everytime I’m having a good time and my past flashes me I try to stop them. I close my eyes and whisper “no, no, no, stop”. It either shuts them up or just makes them louder. It depends on how much energy and effort I put into it. Someone tell me, what can I do to stop them? What is happening to me? Why can’t I sleep anymore? What is this feeling of emptiness and desertion doing here while I have a good amount of loving, caring people around me?
I’ve already been to the point where I didn’t want to live anymore. I am not suicidal and I’m not planning on killing myself. But I suppose it’s no better having a deathwish, secretly hoping that a car crash kills you. Seriously. WTF is wrong with me…car safety used to be a big deal for me, but now I don’t use the seatbelt on purpose.
There are good days and there are bad days. Well alright, actually there are days that are fine, and days where I just feel even more useless than usual. Sometimes there’s an in-between.
The will to live, that burning fire that gets you going in the morning, that used to get me going, that feeling of power and the belief of being able to cease the day…that doesn’t exist in my world. Not anymore, at least.
I don’t have the motivation to keep on writing…I’m sorry.